The Fuzzy Uterus

The Story of My New Fake Uterus Friend, I.e. “Bubble Gum Guy”

So while at BlogHer ’12 I got a wonderful text from my friend (we’ll call her Martha because that’s what I call her even though her name is Marisa) which said someone was giving out fuzzy uteruses (uteri? plural?) at the expo.

Now, I’ve heard everything!

And also I had to get me one.

Oh the irony! I no longer have a uterus, but here they are giving them out to everyone, this is FUNNY! (You probably know where I’m going with this…)

I had seen these silly fuzzy uteruses on Pinterest so I knew they existed and even then I thought, “Wouldn’t that be funny!?”

So immediately after receiving this text I knew I had to see this for myself and procure one. I don’t know why. Mystique? Irony? For laughs? Because I needed to for some reason or other?

Of course while searching for the uterus booth at this ginormous expo, I was distracted and sidetracked by the Poise Pads booth which lured me in like a beacon so I stopped for some picture taking to add myself to the Poise Pad wall. (They do save me from many a terrible jogging “accident” these days after all, I oughtta represent.)

And then I ran into my friend Martha who led the way to the uteri.

And there it was.

Little, fuzzy, pink. And very very friendly. Smiling, even! (Sort of.) Perhaps its face is saying “Meh.” I can’t tell.

It was hysterical! We were laughing and I told the social media girls at the booth why we were laughing (I mean if you can’t laugh about The Cansuh, right?)

Ironically the booth which was giving out the fuzzy uteruses was a medication that helps pre-menopausal women who have heavy periods (they are @heavyperiods on Twitter and before I knew who they were I remember chuckling that “heavy periods” was following me.) But they were all very, very nice girls. So I took a short survey and procured my fakey uterus and commenced the laughter and picture taking.

Uterus party!

After all, we were together again!

Reunited!

And it was really funny!

Until… all of a sudden it wasn’t.

Apparently I miss my real uterus. (Huh. Go figure. Yes, I know, this isn’t news.)

But moments later somewhere during the impromptu uterus fiesta something went terribly wrong and all of a sudden my ability to joke about The Cansuh and the tiny fuzzy uterus I was holding in my hands posing in pictures with went right out the window.

I burst into tears right there on the expo floor. My eyes just welled up and started squirting, all on their own. A completely unexpected reaction but apparently what happens when you try to make everything funny.

Chest heavy and suddenly overwhelmed by this feeling of such loss that it’s just hard to explain, I can only equate it to the feeling I have after a breakup or a death in the family, it’s just a terrible large pit. That only seems to strike at odd times.

Like in the form of a tiny pink fuzzy fake uterus. I made a beeline to the bathroom to have myself a good hearty solo sobfest in the bathroom stall, dried them up and headed toward the fake LED real wax candles that I wanted.

I suppose if we’re talking about irony here (no uterus, getting a new fake uterus…) this all happened to fall on the exact weekend of the three month “anniversary” of my surgery. Which I mentioned to my husband when I got back. “Can you believe it’s already been three months?” I asked. He said, “I was just going to say I can’t believe it’s only been three months.”

It feels like forever. But I guess it’s really not.

On vacation, my four year old found the uterus and because of his intense love for all things stuffed, he napped with it, fell in love with it, and named him “Bubble Gum” guy. (He/she sort of does look like a Bubble Gum guy, doesn’t he/she?)

But I snuck Bubble Gum guy out of his room after naps because it just felt wrong for him to continue to form a meaningful relationship with my uterus. Even if it’s a stuffed one.

Ohhhhh. Everything’s funny, isn’t it? Until it’s not.

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