Every week, I go a little further.
Not necessarily faster yet but getting there. Sort of.
So let’s recap the past week, shall we? Last week, I ran three times, I rode 18 miles on Saturday and I swam A MILE. First time in FOREVER for that. All of it really. The first time I did more working out in a week than NOT (firstofall), and the first time I went that far in any of those sports in a long, long while.
Somewhere around the 18 mile ride and the swim I started to believe again that I CAN DO THIS.
Monday I joined an interval run group which was a little outside my comfort zone (both mentally and physically.)
I was by far the slowest of the pack because most of the runners are there to get faster, not necessarily to establish their base fitness again like I am. But it was raining (sort of) and running in the rain always makes a person feel more badass. Also I made it 3 1/2 miles which is further than I’ve gone yet.
But every time I’m the slowest again in something it’s humbling. I like to be good at stuff. Like, right away.
So of course I do what I do best when I’m uncomfortable, I laugh out loud and yell, “BRINGING UP THE REAR!” when I make it to the rest of the group, but inside I yearn to just be somewhere in the middle. Not showing off, not falling behind.
I talk to myself inside and try to be kind. I try so hard to remind myself that while I was at home with a pee bag and trying to just make a couple laps around the house walking, and while I was on the couch feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach, still, even 8 weeks later, these people were out running. There’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do is KEEP RUNNING.
Eventually I will catch up.
As long as I JUST.KEEP.RUNNING.
And don’t stop running just because I feel slow or because I’m comparing myself to other people. Because oh God is that tempting. Just to quit. Just to say FORGET IT. And walk off.
But I will never catch up if I stop. (DO YOU HEAR ME CHRISTIE? YOU WILL NEVER.CATCH.UP.IF.YOU.STOP.)
Besides it’s not about catching up anyway! It’s about running your OWN race. And running your OWN pace. Not someone else’s. Because you’re not living someone else’s life, you’re living YOUR OWN. And only you’ve been through what you’ve been through with your body and your legs, not someone else’s. YOURS.
If I could post this inner monologue somewhere where I can see it every morning when I wake up, it just might help me remember it when I begin to get down on myself for feeling so “far behind.”
My biggest struggle in the whole world right now is comparing myself to everyone else. When what I should be doing is hanging upside down on this ballet barre, just like my little niece Maddie might.
So my goal for the coming week isn’t physical.
It isn’t trying to go further or faster (well sure it is it always is).
It’s about running my own race. EVEN IN TRAINING.
I’ll let you know how that goes.
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