Most of the time, I’d even venture to say that a whopping 99% of the time, I feel pretty great. I’m not emotional very often. Until of course someone says the word “cancer,” (for some reason, that word still hits a nerve with me and can make my eyes water instantaneously.) Or until I have to pack up or send off some of my kids’ clothes that they outgrew. Mostly though, neither of those things ever happen. That’s a good thing.
Those days are few and far between.
The pain, even, 99 % of the time, is mostly gone. I still can’t wear jeans because my midsection cowers in fear of buttons and tight waists of any kind and any rubbing necessitates the popping of a LOT of Advil, so I’m still wearing things like sweat pants, dresses or skirts. Which means that on any given day, I’m either really dressed up or really dressed down. There’s no in between. Sometimes I try to pair up a cute top with sweat pants, but that just makes me look unfortunate. Like today.
In fact, today unfortunately, is a reminder that the 1% still very much exists.
The awful sucky 1%. The 1% when things hurt A LOT. Probably on account of doing too much.
And when things hurt physically, it takes an emotional toll on me too. Because I just hate this and I just want this thing to be over. And honestly sometimes I get really sick of being “cup half full” girl all of the damn time.
The 1% is a painful reminder of what happened and how it’s still not quite over and I hate that.
I get all whiny on the inside like my kids do from the backseat, like somehow while this continues I’m still sort of in the backseat of my own life, which it really still feels like. “Are we THERE YET??”!! I yell.
My body responds to me by saying, “Not yet, honey,” about a million times until it finally completely loses it and it yells back at me, “No! Not yet! Stop ASKING!”
And then things hurt. I get angry.
I get bitter and yell (on the inside), “Damn you hysterectomy! Damn you cansuh!” For totally cramping my style. Literally.
So there you have it. Today I’m in pain, a lot of pain, & I’m whiny and I’m impatient. I still can’t do as much as I used to without paying the price, even 7 weeks later. I still very much have these days, a solid 1% of the time. If I’m going to be cup-half-full girl, they are much fewer and farther between. After all, they’re only 1%. But still they do exist. And that just makes me mad.
If it weren’t for this blog, I would keep it all bottled up inside until the bolts in my neck burst off from all the pent up steam. So thank God for the ability to write this all out when I need to, even if no one reads it, and that’s ok with me. At least it’s out. Sort of. The good news is too that I can go back and re-read posts like this one about my cansuh results and remember that at the end of the day this is all about perspective. And everyone has their 1%.
Anyways, I’m going to go lay down until it goes away.
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