How I feel on any given day.
Most of the time, I’d even venture to say that a whopping 99% of the time, I feel pretty great. I’m not emotional very often. Until of course someone says the word “cancer,” (for some reason, that word still hits a nerve with me and can make my eyes water instantaneously.) Or until I have to pack up or send off some of my kids’ clothes that they outgrew. Mostly though, neither of those things ever happen. That’s a good thing.
Those days are few and far between.
The pain, even, 99 % of the time, is mostly gone. I still can’t wear jeans because my midsection cowers in fear of buttons and tight waists of any kind and any rubbing necessitates the popping of a LOT of Advil, so I’m still wearing things like sweat pants, dresses or skirts. Which means that on any given day, I’m either really dressed up or really dressed down. There’s no in between. Sometimes I try to pair up a cute top with sweat pants, but that just makes me look unfortunate. Like today.
In fact, today unfortunately, is a reminder that the 1% still very much exists.
The awful sucky 1%. The 1% when things hurt A LOT. Probably on account of doing too much.
And when things hurt physically, it takes an emotional toll on me too. Because I just hate this and I just want this thing to be over. And honestly sometimes I get really sick of being “cup half full” girl all of the damn time.
The 1% is a painful reminder of what happened and how it’s still not quite over and I hate that.
I get all whiny on the inside like my kids do from the backseat, like somehow while this continues I’m still sort of in the backseat of my own life, which it really still feels like. “Are we THERE YET??”!! I yell.
My body responds to me by saying, “Not yet, honey,” about a million times until it finally completely loses it and it yells back at me, “No! Not yet! Stop ASKING!”
And then things hurt. I get angry.
I get bitter and yell (on the inside), “Damn you hysterectomy! Damn you cansuh!” For totally cramping my style. Literally.
So there you have it. Today I’m in pain, a lot of pain, & I’m whiny and I’m impatient. I still can’t do as much as I used to without paying the price, even 7 weeks later. I still very much have these days, a solid 1% of the time. If I’m going to be cup-half-full girl, they are much fewer and farther between. After all, they’re only 1%. But still they do exist. And that just makes me mad.
If it weren’t for this blog, I would keep it all bottled up inside until the bolts in my neck burst off from all the pent up steam. So thank God for the ability to write this all out when I need to, even if no one reads it, and that’s ok with me. At least it’s out. Sort of. The good news is too that I can go back and re-read posts like this one about my cansuh results and remember that at the end of the day this is all about perspective. And everyone has their 1%.
Anyways, I’m going to go lay down until it goes away.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
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Sad face. Sending you huge hugs xo
That means tomorrow will be part of the 99%. Feel better!
Caroline Calcote recently posted..Housebound by TS Debby
Sending you hugs! We all have crappy days and after what you have gone through the past few months you totally deserve it! Sending you hugs and prayers for being able to wear jeans again!
and for what it’s worth: I’m having a crappy, i dont give a rat’s ass kind of day and I don’t really have a good reason!! Like I said we all have those days….
AnnG recently posted..June Tone Up – Week 3
Christie, I just have to tell you how blown away I’ve been by your ability to deal with such a difficult situation. Yes, you still have a little way to go, but think about how much you’ve been through in the last two months! Really girl, you rock!
Love you even more in real life!
xo
Tamara recently posted..Healthy eating on the road: Fitness and Health Bloggers Conference recap
(((hug))) Even the sunniest of us have that kind of day. You’re not alone in that. I’m sorry you’re not there yet in the sense of being pain free. That sucks.
You are strong and are probably a lot further along than if you hadn’t gotten so fit, and I bet you’ll be feeling much better tomorrow!
Pubsgal recently posted..Happy Lei Day & Race Report: Pre-Season Burn Series #3
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
brooke recently posted..Father’s Day Flashback
Do you think it was the travel and all day events of the conference? Were you in pain then? I am so sorry you have to suffer. Waaahh And you do have an amazing attitude! Can’t wait to see you in person again.
KymberlyFunFit recently posted..3 Excuses You Can Use When Mountain Hiking
Be strong like you are,you’ll be better than before. Anything you need just ask, mom and I are there for you. So is your family….got a great husband there kiddo.. We love you. Mom n Dad………
HUGS!!!! Feel better! And this too shall pass – hang in there!
Jody – Fit at 54 recently posted..BUTT LIFT – Who Needs one??
Many hugs & good luck to you!
Janet smith recently posted..כל מה שרצית לדעת על אלומיניום ולא העזת לשאול
Christie,
You are such an amazing and inspiring woman! I’m so fortunate I got to meet you in real life. Everyone deserves a bad day every now and then, so it’s ok. Stay strong! I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Here’s to a speedy and lifelong recovery!
Debra
Debra@ Miles to Run recently posted..Marathon Training: The Journey Begins
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