This could take some time.
Two weeks and counting post-hysterectomy, post-cansuh and I was doing pretty good actually.
ZERO times getting emotional about it, just getting through one day at a time and taking it easy. Some good days, some physically painful days but overall, doing really great. Emotionally strong. (Booyah, Cansuh!)
Oh sure, secretly I was waiting for it. But inside, I was pretty proud at how well I was holding up. Perhaps it really doesn’t bother me, I thought.
Until of course, I tried to say the words, “baby clothes.”
I lost it at “baby clothes.”
The conversation was simple. It went like this:
Husband: ….”so next weekend is a three day weekend, we can dedicate the entire weekend to getting the sprinklers fixed.”
Me: “OK but I don’t want to hear it next Saturday morning that we don’t have this or don’t have that ready and I don’t want to hear the complaint department and how every step of the way something isn’t working…” (I can be bitchy before breakfast.)
Husband: “I know, don’t worry, it won’t be that way. I promise.”
Me: “Oooh! I can even help next weekend probably!” I mean, I’ll have the bag off and it’ll be three weeks, I can do more, right?!
Husband: “I know what you can do if you want! You can go through the bins in the garage.”
Me: “Sure! I mean, let’s be honest, they’re mostly ….” (pause).
(immediate involuntary breakdown.)
(Tears sprouting from face.)
(Uncontrollable.)
Husband comes over to apologize, he didn’t mean that, tries to put out the flames. Poor husband.
It’s not his fault.
I was wondering when it would hit me.
I was pretty much waiting for it.
And this was completely unexpected.
Turns out the words “baby clothes” was the big shiny red launch button.
In fact, the words “baby clothes” even now, hurt my insides real bad. I have saved almost all of their baby clothes. Preemie clothes, 0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-9 months, 6-12 months, 12-18 months, 18-24 months, 36 months. They are all in separate bins, all labeled, every one of them.
I don’t even need to go through them, really. In fact, now I’m thinking I don’t want to ever and can’t picture a day in which I physically could.
But there are a million zillion bins of them and they’re taking up pretty much the whole garage. Well not really, but if they weren’t there, it would be a pretty significant difference.
I was saving them for, well, you know.
The probability of having a girl after having two boys was pretty small in my mind. My best friend had three boys. My cousin had three boys. I really don’t know many people in my life ever who have had two boys and then one girl. Even though secretly I was holding out hope. I had always pictured a little “me” running around with pigtails like I did.
Someone to have tea parties with. Shop for dresses for. “Tap” shoes.
Someone to fight with in the teen years.
Even if it wasn’t a girl, I pictured having three stinky boys with teenage locker room bedrooms. I pictured how the third one, who would be at least 5 years younger than my youngest, would adapt, how we’d probably treat him like a baby. How I’d still try to work from home while carrying him around in a sling. I pictured all of this in pretty extreme detail, as if it were already reality, in fact.
We had fully intended on having a third baby. We had even tried over the winter but when nothing happened we decided to wait until right after St. Anthony’s. I wanted one more race under my belt and wanted to get in a little better shape first.
Now there’s no reason to save the baby clothes, any of them. Which even now as I write this, makes my insides weep.
I suppose deep down I’m really not ok with this. And I know that’s ok. This is all part of it. One of the harder parts of it.
As I type this with tears running down my face, I really have no idea how I’ll handle the actual moving of the bins.
I can still picture most of the outfits that are in there, I have loved every one of them. Winnie the Poohs, sleep sacks, baby hats, a Ralph Lauren outfit my cousin had given me, a Calvin Klein jean jacket, onesies, sleepers in which I can still picture them sleeping on their bellies with their tiny perfect round butts in the air, oh how I loved to rub those tiny sleeping diapered jammy butts while they slept. Some of them still have orange stains from where the carrots spilled and I can still picture how far up their jammied backs the diaper blowouts went.
I don’t know what I’ll do with these things. In reality, we’ll have to do something. At some point. But I’m pretty sure right now if I so much as look at them, I’ll crumple into a heap on the garage floor.
I’m thinking I may need some time to figure this one out. I’ve passed the time mostly not even thinking about what a hysterectomy actually means and when my mind has started to wander I just quickly switch topics.
I’ve focused elsewhere.
Perhaps one day it’ll all be less tender and I’ll be able to move on from this. Maybe one day I’ll actually be ok with the moving of the bins myself, even though I can’t picture it right now. Perhaps I’ll need someone else to do it.
Either way, it took the words “baby clothes” to make me realize that it’s not just my physical wounds that need healing.
My heart is broken.
And I have more healing to do than I thought.
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It is all going to play out in it’s own time frame. I’m just so sorry that you are going to hurt so much as it does. I do think that you might want to save some of the things for possible future grandkids. Think of how fun it would be years down the road to see a grandchild in that Calvin Klein jean jacket. I keep you close in prayer, Christie. It is all going to be okay. xoxo
I agree with Nancy…keep one bin for nostalgia and future grandkids. But all that can wait. Sorry you are hurting. ((hugs))
Caroline Calcote recently posted..Bodypump and Blogger Meet-up
this makes my heart hurt. but i’m glad you have an outlet. because in some way, somehow i think eventually the outlet will help to heal your heart. which is a wonderful heart.
and i also love that you have memories of poop up the back. because those are things we remember too
Brett recently posted..Funky Barn 3D Review #UbiChamps
I have no great words of wisdom.
I wish I did—–but I’m here.
xo
Miz recently posted..If mama aint healthy–aint nobody healthy.
Christie, my heart aches for you having to go through this. While my situation is not exactly the same, I have been on this hard road too.. the road where a word or a phrase can leave you unraveled. For me, it was a simple remark about cookie cutters. I share this column I wrote with you to show you another perspective and to offer a glimpse of hope. Sending love from Baltimore.
http://tinyurl.com/3n8zmuv
Mary P. in Baltimore recently posted..Spring2Action -Week 4- Good News/Bad News
My heart aches for you! Hugs!!! Don’t rush things. Take your time. The pain will ease with each day. Hope you find relief soon.
Angela @ Happy Fit Mama recently posted..My First Marathon Training Plan
I have learneed over the past few years…repeatedly that when I tend to take a large emotionally charged event and decide that I’m just fine…maybe a week or month later something small will happen and it comes crumbling down around me in a watershed of tears. I think there is an idea that if we can just be strong, be tough or brave it out then we’ll never have to feel sad.
I am so sorry you are going through this journey, but glad you have a place to share it so that we can all continue to keep you in our prayers and you know that you are loved whether you are happy or sad.
Amanda @RunToTheFinish recently posted..Workouts and Gear: Running With Joy
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this pain. I feel it, too, even now, 2 years after my hysterectomy. I see babies everywhere and if I don’t stop myself, start sliding into that blue state of mind. Yes, it sucks just knowing my days of having babies are gone. Like anything in life, I guess we adjust and keep on keeping on. I have 2 beautiful children, so much to be thankful for, and that sustains me. Sending strength – Lori.
Love you.
April H. recently posted..Bedtime routines
Big hugs. You are SO STRONG.
Heather Montgomery recently posted..20 Years of the Mickey marathon
My heart is breaking for you. I only just recently started getting rid of baby clothes and i cried as I remembered each thing they wore. The ‘tiny baby’ phase is so fleeting and these clothes somehow feel like the only proof we have that it ever even happened. But, even when you’re old and grey you’ll have these two amazing men that you molded into the amazing people that they’re already becoming (and 3 nephews who love you more than anything in the world too). I’ll come help you with the clothes if you want. You can tell stories about each item or we can do it quickly…whatever you need. I love you!
My heart is aching for you. I just can’t imagine. Praying for you through this healing process!
Callie @ The Wannabe Athlete recently posted..Under The Weather
Oh honey, I wish I was there just to give you a big hug. Since I’m not, big, big, big, BIG virtual hugs for you.
Jeanne recently posted..I Am Now & Forever Shall Be … A Bulimic
I really can’t add much but… HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jody – Fit at 54 recently posted..Gratitude Monday & Giveaway Love!
Hugs! It’s so difficult. You have a right to feel this way. Take your time. Do what you feel is right for you.
Huge hugs being sent to you…..
anng recently posted..A Month Later…
My heart is breaking FOR you. I’m sorry. Lots of hugs, hon. xo!
lissa recently posted..loves me…
I love you, SAH. I’m sorry your heart is broken
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I had a complete hysterectomy at age 30 and it was so difficult to accept. Over the years, there have even been times when I thought I was having signs of pregnancy and let my imagine get the best of me. It’s hard to let go. Eventually, enough time has passed that I now dream of having the most spoiled grandbabies on the planet!
angela recently posted..It’s About the Freedom of the Foot: Nike Free Run #NikeKids
((((HUGS)))) Christie.
Kirsten recently posted..Control
Big squishy ((hugs)). Love you.
Bari recently posted..A Down and Dirty Race Report
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love you.
It’s too soon. You need time to grieve. And you’re right – maybe, it will never be the right time. But you will celebrate the joy of the two wonderful boys you have, and the life you all have together.
Kris recently posted..Ready For Summer Challenge Week 9 & Weekly Update
Big f-ing hugs.
You’re not ready to do anything with those clothes, or ready for anyone else to do something with them. Period.
But when you are, could you pick out a few favs and make a quilt out of them? You may never use the quilt or it might become your favorite, but it would be a way to save a few of the clothes and honor your feelings at the same time.
I didn’t read all the comments, so I don’t know if other people said this or not…. One, I need you to call me when you feel up to it! I called you and left a message… wondering if you got it?
Two, give it time. You are ALIVE! And then, in a while after the emotional scars heal, you can HAVE a baby!!!! Adoption is a wonderful thing, and people who adopt say they feel EXACTLY the same way about their adopted babies as they do about their “own” kids. Trust me, God uses all things for good, and for you, that might mean giving some beautiful little girl a home where she would have otherwise had to bounce around in foster care.
Anyway. Call me sometime! I wanna catch up and stuff! Sooner than later!
LOVE YOU!
XOXO! Wish you all the best, cheer up…
jennifer recently posted..voip cheap
I’m sorry. I’m sending you a big hug and lots of love. Leave the bins where they are and save them for later when things aren’t so raw. I know you don’t want to go through the bins, but there might be some “special” outfits that you want to keep just for the sake of memories. I got rid of everything a few years ago (once you get that close to 40 you figure you won’t be able to have anymore). I went through my stuff and kept coming home outfits, 1st Christmas outfits, special jammies that made me smile. I put those in a bin and saved them for when the boys have kids.
Janeen (Chupieandjsmama) recently posted..This School Year Is Coming To A Close
Of course your heart is broken- mine is broken for you. One step forward two steps back (sometimes)…..hugs, Lisa
Lisa/MommyMo recently posted..No excuses
I’m so sorry, Christie. I wish I could hug you and make all the pain go away. I say leave those bins there…they aren’t going to waste away. Leave them there so that you can get through this at the pace you need to. You’ll know when you’re ready for it…and then you can have a bittersweet moment where you remember more what those clothes were a part of: memories. Right now, your loss (would that be the right word?) is so fresh…
Sending you a huge hug from here in VA.
Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run recently posted..Monday Runspiration – 9 Weeks Out
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Big hugs, sweetie.