There are only a few times in my life where time has actually suspended and stood still, where the life that suddenly became larger than me had something big to tell me.
One of them was hearing the words “cervical cancer” for the first time.
Words, suspended, as if in mid-air.
The other was this morning when the doctor called me to deliver the results from pathology.
Time stands still, even when the words still hang there.
For me, this whole thing wasn’t over after surgery. I knew there would be a week of dealing with the pain of the surgery and a week of dealing with the pain of the question that hung over my head, my family’s heads, did they get it all?
The answer couldn’t come soon enough. I won’t make you wait for it either.
THEY GOT IT.
ALL OF IT.
The Cansuh has officially left the building.
Goodbye, sir.
Even writing that seems surreal.
The doctor tried to move on from that information because she began on the topic of my “pocketbook,” but because the words were hanging there while I tried to allow them to permeate, I was totally overwhelmed. I couldn’t speak and I am sure that all she could hear was some silent crying from the other end.
When she paused to allow me to have a moment and said, “I know. This really is good news,” I was able to eek out a hushed, “thank you.”
She went on to tell me the tumor was larger than they thought, but they had gotten it all, and there would be no need for further treatment like radiation or chemotherapy. From here on out, it will be appointments every three months and then every six. The pocketbook “accessory” gets to leave on May 23rd. Mark your calendar. I am marking mine.
She said the pathologist had “never seen anything like this.” Meaning she’d never seen a tumor of this size not having penetrated the surrounding areas.
Right now I consider myself very lucky.
We hung up the phone and the onslaught and rush of the weeks of panic and fear and worry washed over me in the form of the ugly cry.
I could only weep.
Weeks of prayers. Weeks of tears. Weeks of panicky, crippling fear. Weeks of worry. Weeks of questions. Will they get it all? Am I ok with having a hysterectomy? Will I need radiation? Chemo? Will I survive any or all of this? Did I live enough? Did I do enough with my kids? Did I teach them enough? The right stuff, the stuff that matters? Did I love hard enough? Did I say it all?
All questions I wanted and demanded answers to yet there were none. For weeks.
At the end of the day, every day, for weeks, I had to dry my tears, rely on the fact that all I had done in my life was right up until that point because there is no going backward, and just simply have faith that no matter what the answer is or was going to be, it would all be ok. It’s hard to end every day that way, with complete and utter faith, but I kept repeating in my head that God would not give me what I couldn’t handle. Even in the midst of all this and having my son’s brain MRI in the middle of it, I still knew that simply, He would not give me more than I could handle. And if I got bad news, that must mean He thinks a lot of me. It made me laugh sometimes to think of things that way, but it had to be true. I knew it as truth.
I will tell you, this news, once again breathes new perspective into my life. Hysterectomy schmysterectomy. The post-surgery pain feels suddenly lifted, it feels like a dream, even, if the pain of this surgery is all the emotional and physical pain I am going to have out of this, if I am not going to have to leave the party early, if I’m not going to have to make sudden decisions about my future or the future of my family, if this is all it is, I am going to be ok here.
I will tell you, also, that the new perspective gained from just the words “cervical cancer” has changed the way I will forever do things moving forward. I am a firm believer in not doing things that you don’t love. I believe that now more than ever.
I will tell you that I may have known the value of being good to your body before, but had I never changed my ways and had continued down the path of unhealthy and couch-potato, would I have gotten the same results? Maybe not. Being healthy now means so much more to me now than just about the weight part of it. So much more.
And I will tell you that I might have appreciated before the cansuh, but I have never appreciated like I do now. Loving hard? Yes, please. Living hard? Yes, thank you. With an overwhelming side dish of snuggles, flowers, the sun and wind on my face, baby feet, puffed cheese balls, hugs, saying it and saying it now before time goes away, and lots and lots (and lots) of pictures.
I am sure there will still be an emotional part of the hysterectomy lingering, I won’t lie that it might bother me at some point when the dust settles, things get quiet again and I have soft pangs for babies. But right now, I’m reeling from this goodness and I’m so happy and thankful for the family that I have, including the squeeziest, smushiest, most amazing, dirty, little boys ever, who are mine.
Today I can say with everything in me that I am going to be a cervical cancer survivor.
And so this begins my story.
I’ll just make sure I’m always armed with lots of waterproof mascara.
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I can only imagine the relief & joy you and your family are feeling. Savor all of it. Such wonderful news!
Barb recently posted..Mom-Friends
Ya-fucking-hoo!! I knew that cansuh was scared of your hookers!!
Kirsten recently posted..2012 – A Day in the Life – Week 17
Praise God for this awesome and amazing news! I’m crying tears of joy with you!
Steph @fitmomtraining recently posted..Are Your Almonds Heart Healthy?
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
brooke recently posted..Re: Thankful Thursday + Daily Thanks = What’s New Around Here
I’ crying happy years of joy for you & I can’t wait to hug the shit out of you in November. First round is on me!
Bari recently posted..Thankful Thursday: On Two Feet
HOORAY! God answers prayers! Hope the recovery goes quick!
Karla recently posted..New Rules of Lifting for Women Stage 2 Recap
Oh, so happy to read this! Literally weeping tears of relief for you!
Karena recently posted..Saturday morning market run
Christie.. There are no words. I am so beyond happy and joyful for you and your family! Much, much love!! God bless, Laura
So happy to hear this, praise the lord!!
Jenna @ Newlyweds recently posted..Cleanse and Extreme Shed Challenge
What wonderful news to hear on a Friday morning! Here’s to living life to the fullest each and every day!
CHRISTIE!!!!!! I am so overwhelmed for you!! Bless you honey and all you have endured! Thank GOD that this is it and a survivor you are! I am so incredibly happy for you, your family, and your incredible strength to share all of this with all of us!
Lori Pace recently posted..Happy 3rd Birthday Collective Bias! My Walk/ Run in Your Honor was SO FUN! #HappyCBDay #CBias
Such wonderful news! So happy for you.
So incredibly happy!
Danielle recently posted..Boyfriends
So happy to read this!! <3 <3
Carly recently posted..Random Friday Facts & An Award
I totally teared up reading this!!!! So very happy for you!!!!
Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal recently posted..A Few of My Favorite Pins
Praise the Lord. As I sit hear crying with my not so waterproof mascara running down my face! So happy to hear this. You are awesome! <3
Gosh I’m glad I haven’t put on my non-waterproof mascara today – crying! What a beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you for the reminder to live hard and love hard. PRAISE GOD – they got it ALL! I’m back in tears now just thinking about what they said, “I’ve never seen anything like this.” THAT my friend, is a miracle. Praise be to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ever ask or imagine!
Callie recently posted..“No Pressure” Blogging
Yes! Fist pumps all around.
lisa recently posted..I will probably never qualify for the Boston Marathon
I am so so happy for you. This is such wonderful news!!!
KyraTX recently posted..Curried Ramen Soup
Wonderful news, indeed! Thank goodness!
Lori recently posted..Fit Female Stage 3B
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you Christie!!!!
Jody – Fit at 54 recently posted..Giveaway Winner, Aromatherapy & Other Fun Stuff!
This is the most fantastic fucking news EVER! Woooooooo!!!!! xoxoxo!
Saw the news on Clairanne’s FB update. What a great Mother’s Day present! I’m so happy to hear you’ll be okay.
I’d say it doesn’t get any better than that! VERY happy for you. Take that cancer.
misszippy recently posted..They won’t’ always get it
So, so happy to read this! Happy Mother’s Day!
Marcia recently posted..Pre-Race Dreams
I am happy for you, yet more happy for your boys, who get to have such a passionate, loving mom for many many years. Chest up, eyes forward! You are the bombski!
http://funandfit.org/2012/05/motivational-quotes-to-move-you/
Just thrilled for you. Thank God!
So incredibly happy for you!!!!
Trish @I_am_Succeeding recently posted..All Things Balanced
Great big happy tears!!! This is the best news ever and I am sooo happy for you. Way to kick cansuh to the curb!! xoxo
I am crying for you now Christie! This is such amazing news and sends a chill down my spine. Happy happy day & right before Mother’s Day too!
I just cried, yes you made ME cry! Ahole! And I’m about to go to dinner! lol I love you and am thrilled this douche has left the building. You are amazing HillC! Big Smooches. Time to celebrate!
Best News I’ve Read In A LONG While!! SO Happy for you and your family. HUGS to the Cansuh free lady!
Janeen (Chupieandjsmama) recently posted..Product Review: Plentils
WOOO-to-the-freakin’-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thea @ It’s Me Vs. Me recently posted..Fitness Friday – Expectations
So extremely happy for you, Christie!!!! This is phenomenal news, and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling at this moment tonight.
Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run recently posted..Getting caught up.
Yay!!!!!!!
I’ve said it before and will say it again!
You are one of the very few who can fall on their face in the mud and get up looking beautiful and smelling like a rose.
The big guy upstaires really likis you.
I read this while at the homeschool bookfaior today and I started squeeling for joy! Best news I had all day!! I’m so happy they got that yucky crap out of you!! Praise God!!!
AnnG recently posted..A Month Later…
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! Yay!!!!
I’m so happy for you. This is the best possible news.
Kris recently posted..Weekly Link Roundup – May 11, 2012
WoooHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tears of joy and relief over here. (((big, jumpy, squeeing hugs))) and ^5s all around.
Pubsgal recently posted..Happy Lei Day & Race Report: Pre-Season Burn Series #3
Bravo! Go celebrate!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so so incredibly happy for you and your family.
Nicole recently posted..FitFluential visits Reebok headquarters!
This is awesome news!!!
Have a fabulous Mother’s Day!
Andrea recently posted..Week 5 of Iron Girl Training and Seasons First OWS
Congrats girly!!! I am SOO happy for you!! <3
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie recently posted..My Bandage Dress
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Hell’s yeah baby! I knew you would beat it!
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