The Husband Contract: Fine Print

Husband Contract

The Fine Print

I, husband, understand that by entering into this general contract, partnership and marriage with the aforementioned wife, must by any and all means necessary, also be required to be the sole and primary exterminator and/or extractor of all bugs, arachnids, reptiles, rodents, burglars, intruders etc etc, in the event that an actual licensed and trained exterminator is not on the premises.

I shall be required to perform the following duties:

1. Exterminate, eliminate or extract the animal, bug, burglar, intruder, etc etc from the premises by any means necessary, despite size, length, weight, or wing capacity.

2. Perform (i.e. jump into action) in a swift & immediate manner  and with an extreme sense of urgency, even if I am walking out the door to go to work at that very moment, as I understand I am the primary exterminator in the absence of a licensed exterminator, and there is no one to take my place if such issues arise.

3. With the understanding that time is of the essence and that these animals and/or rodents and/or bugs may travel from room to room unnoticed throughout the day, mentally torturing my wife and the children by allowing them to believe they could now be in their beds and/or shower areas, I must respond calmly and swiftly to prevent this from occurring. It bears repeating that I understand that I am the primary exterminator in the absence of a licensed exterminator.

4. Exterminate, eliminate or extract the animal, bug, etc etc without placing worry, guilt, or blame on any of the home’s occupants, especially the aforementioned wife for things like “leaving the door open” or “leaving the window open.” I must remember, that’s neither here nor there and there is still a bug that needs getting and delaying the process just delays the bug-getting and adds to mental anguish for all parties.

5. Keep a cool head and remain calm no matter how much screaming there is going on around me.

6. I shall not emerge from the region of the bug, rodent or animal etc etc until elimination, extermination or extraction is successful and victorious.

7. Partaking in victory celebration and/or dancing upon completion of elimination, extermination or extraction is and will always remain optional.

By signing this contract, I acknowledge that I understand the fine print and I enter happily into this union as this is a fair trade and a small undertaking for an amazing life with a beautiful, loving wife who has agreed to also bear my children, go through childbirth and all that childbirth entails (long before and long after.)

I understand that the aforementioned fine print is part of my required duties and responsibilities and failure to perform said duties may result in the dissolution of said marriage contract, or worse, the banning of random football or basketball games or tournaments and/or wing-eating, depending on the individual game or tournament’s importance at the discretion of said wife.

Signed and sealed on this 5th day of February, the year 2005.

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