I’ve Decided It’s Best to Scare the Sh*t Out of Myself

I have voices and they talk to me.

They sit in the balcony in my head like the old guys in The Muppets and they tell me whether or not I should or shouldn’t do something and they make me question myself.

They give me fear.

Here’s how the conversation in my head might go:

Little voice (laughing, usually, and sarcastic): You can’t do that.
Other little voice (because they talk to each other): Well why not?
Little voice: Because you don’t do things like that.
Other little voice: Well why NOT?
Little voice: I don’t know. You just don’t. Other people do. You’re not qualified anyway. You’re silly for even entertaining this idea.

The voices have always followed me around, for most of my life really, but most of the time I could let my fearlessness kick in and tell the voices to shut up. And most of the time I’d do it anyway, whatever it was.

Because I was fearless once! I was never qualified for any single job I got, but I got the job anyway (I can rock an interview!) And I was always promoted afterward. I loved my job and could do it well.

Perhaps motherhood and staying home with the kids changed that some way. Like maybe outside of the office, I had to find my “qualifications” again or something. Or validation. Or maybe it’s just being older and not being in my 20s anymore! I did some crazy things in my 20s.

Because now I let the voices actually have a say. I find myself avoiding things that they say I probably shouldn’t do or that I’m not qualified to do and I let them win more often now. Why is that?

Fear is cramping my style and quite frankly it’s really pissing me off to watch people doing things I should be doing while I’m too busy wall-flowering.

Yesterday a good friend told me, “Life starts outside your comfort zone.” It’s like triathlon. Nothing about doing a triathlon is inside my comfort zone. But somehow I found it inside me to venture out and it was magical. This is like that. And I’m standing on a new precipice that I must conquer.

So. I’ve decided that the only way to get over the voices it to do things that scare the sh*t out of me. On purpose.

And do it often. Like once a week. Maybe even once a day!

Here’s the short list I have a list to tackle right now:

• Public speaking. *shudder*
• And just going up to someone and introducing myself.

I know. It sounds so simple but for me it isn’t.

Sure, I am good in social situations when I know someone, but if I don’t know anyone and have to walk up to someone cold turkey? Shah. Right.

And speaking in front of a group? OHMIGOD just stick me inside a small tube with spiders and bananas. It’s the same thing.

So as part of this quest to conquer myself, I did something yesterday that scared the sh*t out of me.

Yesterday I auditioned for a commercial. First of all, this means actually getting over the voice in my head to email the person about the casting call in the first place.

What usually happens is that I see something like this opportunity and I get all excited! And I think, “HOORAY, I SHOULD DO THAT!” But then the voices get in the way again. And the conversation in my head begins again:

Little voice: You can’t do that.
Other little voice: Well why not?
Little voice: Because you don’t do things like that.
Other little voice: Well why NOT?
Little voice: I don’t know. You just don’t. Other people do. You’re not qualified anyway. You’re silly for even entertaining this idea.

(ONLY this time, I chose an alternate ending.)

Other little voice: Well why can “they” do it and not you?
Little voice: I don’t know. Because.
Other little voice: Well that’s not good enough. You go do these things too and shut the f*ck up.
Little voice (cowering): OK I guess we’ll do it then.
 

So that’s how the conversation went. And after this conversation, I got an email back saying I should be there at 11:20. (Squeeeeee!)

But it’s not enough to reach out, there has to be a follow through.

It takes me some cajones to follow through and show up. Because now that I’ve lined up the opportunity I have to make it real by telling my husband and arranging the schedule right and I have to weigh out how important it is for me to do this in order to rearrange schedules. In other words, I had to put my big girl panties on.

And so I committed. And rearranged. Because it’s important for me to do things like this.

So then everything is in place and I show up. And I sit in the tiny (hot) room beforehand. Which is always the worst part. The waiting.

The anticipation. The AGONY.

Looking around seeing the other people who have headshots and I don’t. Getting over the voices in my head saying I shouldn’t be there and they should. Creating exercises in my mind to deal with the stress.

Facebooking.

My hands got all clammy and cold and sweaty and I developed a sweat mustache and honestly I think a pimple grew onto my chin from the time I left the house to the time I got there because it wasn’t there when I left the house.

A big old whitehead too. I panicked in the bathroom, popped it (you’re welcome) and feverishly covered it up with my makeup. (I GOT this!)

Then my number was called.

I put on my happy face, I bucked up, became comfortable in my skin and conversational.

There I was, standing there, talking and DOING THIS! I had an out of body experience and I looked at myself actually doing this!

I interviewed for the camera and felt fantastic! In my head, I nailed it!

I left feeling like I don’t even care if I get it! I was just proud of myself for doing it! In fact, you know how they end those movies with the successful lady walking out the double doors into the sunny day and the wind makes her hair fly and she looks up and sees the sun and then the credits roll? That’s how I felt.

Hooray for me!

I was scared sh*tless (in fact the nerves going into it left me with a bit of a stomachy bathroom problem for the rest of the day) but DURING was fantastic! No one needs to know that other part (except maybe the entire internet now) because in my mind, I pulled it off. Even if I don’t get picked, I won.

And so I’ve decided that it’s best to keep doing this. No matter what it does to my innerds.

The next step is going to a networking event where I don’t know anyone. (CRAZY! I KNOW!) And actually TALKING TO SOMEONE TOO!

Yes, that’ll be a big deal for me. But an important one.

Baby steps. In fact, whenever I get that uncomfortable feeling, that should be the red flag for me to decide that yes, I should go ahead and do that.

This is my thing for 2012. Scare the sh*t out of myself on purpose.

I do have a part II to this, which is my awful backstory for public speaking and why I fear it so much. (Yes, there’s a backstory.) I’ll share that next week.

What about you? Do you have a fear of something that paralyzes you? Have you changed at all after motherhood? What do you wish you could tackle about yourself?

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