Well it is almost here! The candy holiday mecca that is Halloween! The time of year where I hide the big overflowy candy buckets in the laundry room out of sight from the kids and then find myself cowering behind the door quickly and secretly unwrapping and shoveling candy in my mouth.
Which all become a string of very proud moments for me, of course.
All you can hear is the sound of the wrappers crinkling.
The sound haunts me right now.
This year I haven’t yet bought the candy. I am way ahead of the game.
I learned the hard way. Last year I bought it and had to REBUY it because we ate it all before we had a chance to give it out.
This holiday really isn’t fair to a person like me with no control whatsoever.
Which brings me to my 3rd annual installment of:
10 (MERCILESS) WAYS TO DISPOSE OF HALLOWEEN CANDY!
I do one of these every year. Just so you know.
OK here we go:
1. Stick it all on a treadmill and watch it fly off the back one by one. Or in one giant wave. Perhaps both. Wait – no. I’ll find that guy at the gym who needed a 4 treadmill buffer zone because he would sweat on both treadmills on either side of him and I’ll put the candy on both of THOSE treadmills, torture it and THEN send it flying.
2. Tell my candy we’re going skydiving together! Since skydiving is on the “bucket list,” the candy will probably believe me but when it’s time to jump, only one of us will go. And it’s not me.
3. Each year I suggest my candy watch a Bonanza or Little House on the Prairie marathon. This year, candy gets sentenced to both: two full days worth of Bonanza AND Little House on the Prairie marathons in which it will then fall into a deep candy coma but not before it exhausts itself futher by yelling at Nellie Olson because she’s so bitchy. I know, I know candy can’t really yell. But Nellie tends to bring the worst out in all of us.
4. Send it all to Candy Anonymous. They of course will have to complete their 12 steps and inevitably admit to themselves that it’s not their fault, but instead they’re acting out because of their upbringing (i.e. the evil candy manufacturers.)
5. Drop it off at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights where it will then get the peanuts scared out of it.
6. Call in a “favor.” The candy mysteriously disappears without a trace and is found 12 years later in the Hudson river.
7. Dress it up in leg warmers and then subject the candy to 12 hours of “Let’s Get Physical” with Olivia Newton John. We will have to do the shoulder shimmy and wear headbands. The candy will lose weight, become skinny, and want to eat more vegetables.
8. Tape it to the bottom of my family’s shoes. For at least a few steps I’ll be taller! And that will kick ass! But then it’ll all squish and we (the candy and I) will be shorter again. Which is ok. But for a few minutes it will have been magic.
9. Speaking of short, I will make the candy go shopping for “petite” sized pants that don’t taper at the ankle. After exhausting its search, it will run from the stores screaming and be thankful it doesn’t wear pants.
10. Make the candy put up gutters, change out the bathroom light, re-sod my lawn, fix the sprinklers and fold my laundry. What? It doesn’t do all of that? THEN WHAT THE HELL IS CANDY GOOD FOR?!
If you missed the last two years, here they are:
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